The Form…

At last I am invited to fill out The Form… There is actually ‘Der Der DERRR!’ music playing in my head every time I say or think these words. I was at an Open Day back in December and told I would be given The Form in January but when they called me on Jan 2nd, life was rather chaotic with trips to the vet, me seeing Adam, etc. and had been lead to believe that when I received the form I had 5 days in which to fill it out and hand it back along with all my other paperwork. I had a little heart stopping moment of overwhelm and said, ‘could I be in the next group instead please?’

 

Turns out, the next group begins in March, which feels like ages in my impatient world. In mid Feb I had an invitation to be interviewed by two social workers and receive The Form. I was told the interview would take 2 hours, so in my controlling manner I clear my social calendar for the whole of this year and am non committal to invitations should I be called in for yet another interview or training day as surely the process has begun! Luckily I have to social life of a 90 year old, probably less so, at least at 90 I intend to have regular tea parties and eat as much cake as I want to by that age. Though I had an Aunt who went the other way and lived off Complan plus walked 5 miles a day, she filled her days taking tea (never partaking in cake) with the local reverends while deciding which church would give her a better send off before defecting to Catholicism; she lived to 96.

 

  So at my interview I meet one young social worker who I felt looked not much older than twenty, she didn’t say much as she had to take notes all meeting. She seemed nice enough but I wasn’t confident she would defend my corner when I’m being torn apart by my prospective child’s panel who have to approve me over another family. The other woman was, lets just say, imagine a typical social worker in your head, with hair that I wonder if it’s seen a brush. At one point she asked how I feel at getting involved with couples on training days. I assured her I talk to anyone and it doesn’t bother me but liked that the agency will match similar adopters in groups if they can. This lady then suggested I would feel pandered to if I were put in a group with other single adopters or gay couples. I defended my corner and replied I preferred not to be the only ‘not the norm’ adopter in the room.

 

We then went over old ground in more depth, what have my years of receiving counselling taught me? Am I planning to move house? When I had an internship in America, could anyone verify that I was actually there building theatre sets and not in prison? At one point all I could think of was the Krispy Kreme I’d planned on getting on the way home instead of deflecting these probing questions. Just as I was day dreaming about an original glazed doughnut they asked me if I would consider Concurrent Adoption. This is when a child is taken straight from their birth parent and placed with you, no foster care interim. The placement lasts 6 months as during this time, the birth parent has the opportunity to change their circumstances and prove themselves a fit parent; if they do, they get their child back, if not I adopt. The Pros for this are less upheaval for the child but this means I would have to work extra hard to get them caught up if they are behind developmentally and emotionally, things most foster carers work on. And the major Cons are I would have to take the child to Contact with their parents regularly during that 6 months, plus the fact I could end up losing that child back to their parents. Supposedly you have more chance of getting a baby and was told it’s ‘low risk’ if you agree to this and there is more training involved but they also asked how I fair under long term stress; who on earth is good with long term stress?

 Having said I would need to think on concurrent adoption, I since discovered that this is relatively new to the UK. Plus I’ve now heard of several cases where the adoption did not go through because the parents were originally accused of physical abuse but it turned out the child had Brittle Bone Disease which is now common in this country. I also know I don’t cope well with long term stress, You can meditate to your heart’s content but if you are constantly caring for a child who may or may not become yours plus dealing with the fallout of their birth parents behaviour, I opt for no. I also know there are many babies in areas of the UK up for adoption so it’s not like I won’t have a chance if I don’t go down that path. I also re-iterate I have no preference over a boy or girl, ethnic background, age or how many children.

 

A documentary on adoption was shown recently on Channel 4 with ‘adoption parties’ where children who had been waiting for parents for a while, go to parties to get the chance to be seen by prospective adopters. You saw a social worker walking to up to couples and basically trying to ‘sell’ these children, they were mainly boys and often sibling groups. The foster carers indicated why the boys had originally been ‘hard to place’ as they were behind in terms of development when they’d first gone in to care but were now up to speed and all came across as bright, articulate and loving children. My heart broke as they were taken to three different adoption parties and had to play with children they didn’t know. At the end, they asked their carer why no one wanted them as their ‘forever family’. There was no answer. 

 After seeing this, I ranted on Facebook asking why adopters are given a choice of age, sex or single/siblings. Most people agreed with me but one friend who I haven’t seen for 15 years ranted back. It turned out that she was also single and had adopted but felt she only wanted one and a girl. I didn’t reply as I can’t think of a valid reason where anyone can say why they prefer one sex over the other. I also, as a single adopter am happy to have more than one child. I was an only child myself so always wanted my family to be more than one, quite often sibling groups are less traumatised by their background as they have always had eachother to rely on.  If you have a child naturally, you have no choice over gender, or even personality so why are adopters given these choices? If you have an answer to this, please let me know so I can understand this, my agency also had no answer.

 

Link to Ch4 Programme if you want to see it: http://www.channel4.com/programmes/finding-mum-and-dad/episode-guide